just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
