I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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