I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
