i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
