She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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