If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
