Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
