They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
