and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
