The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
