so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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