I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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