Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
