Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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