Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
