They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
