you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
