I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
