he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I did not marry a roomba.
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