god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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