I puked a lego.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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