I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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