Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
