Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
