I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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