Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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