New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
