We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
