im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
