I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
