hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
