We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
