Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
