I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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