At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
