i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
