We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
