I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
