saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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