i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
What did we do last night that was yellow?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
