Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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