its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
