I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
