Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
