it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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