I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize