sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
