i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
