So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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