I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
