I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
